Coaching Gems for ADD
Click on a quote below for the matching coaching gem:
"When we go out to eat, you're always looking around, never looking at me."
"Did you say that? I just don't remember your saying that."
How to state items on your to-do list.
Get paid to remember to check your calendar each day
"Thanks for helping me organize my files. Now I can't find anything!"
"You've made this same mistake dozens of times. Why can't you just get it right!"
"I would have been on time, but something unexpected came up that delayed me."
A scheduling tip for getting there on time.
"I'm OK once I start doing something. My problem is getting started."
"I have no trouble getting started. I need to get better staying focused after I've started."
"I am easily distracted by noises when I am working. Any suggestions?"
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When we go out to eat, you're always looking around, you never look at me."
When people with ADD eat
at restaurants, they may be distracted by the activities around them and
lose eye contact with others at their table who are talking to them.
This can be off-putting. A good strategy is for the ADD person to take
a seat facing the wall.
"Did you say that? I just don't remember your saying that."
When someone is telling the ADD person something important, the person with ADD may
appear to be listening but often is not. If the ADD person is genuinely
interested in hearing and remembering what was said, it can be helpful if he/she
suggests that the other person...
· pick a time to discuss the issue when the ADD person is not otherwise involved
· state that the information about to be discussed is important, and ask if this is a good time to talk about it. If the ADD person feels it is not, schedule another time.
· make sure that good eye contact has been established before starting the discussion. ("Could you look me in the eye as we talk about this.")
· make sure that good eye contact is maintained throughout the conversation ("Whoops, I think we have lost eye contact.")
· at the end of the conversation, ask the ADD person to confirm/restate what has been stated or agreed upon.
· ask the ADD person to write down what has been agreed upon if it involves times, dates, or specific information that must be remembered and acted on.
How to state items on your to-do list.
When writing items on your to-do list, use specific action verbs. For example,
not "John Jones", but "call John Jones at 3 PM" not "grocery store" but "stop at grocery store on the way home from work".
Pretend the to-do list is the "general" within you telling the troops exactly what is expected of them.
"Thanks a lot for helping me organize my files. Now I can't find anything!"
When Bob is helping John, who has ADD, organize John's files, Bob should use categories that
make sense to John. If he doesn't, John will file items
but not be able to figure out where to look for them later. On the
other hand, if John's intuitive ideas
about filing categories seem illogical, non-memorable, or unworkable, the
two people should explore what categories to use. In any case, it may be
helpful, as the files are set up, to keep a table of contents of the labels
of the files and put it in front of the files. This will make it easier for
John to home in on the files he is looking for.
Get paid to remember to check your calendar each day.
It is very helpful to keep a calendar for keeping track of appointments, birthdays, etc. so many people start to do this. Some people write down events and appointments in the calendar, but then, after a few days or weeks, stop looking at it. If this has happened to you, and there is someone who lives with you who would like you to remember appointments better, here's a suggestion that might keep you keep checking your calendar every day.
Make an agreement with the other person that each evening, you will look at your calendar reminders for the next day and make a small pen or pencil mark on that date of the calendar documenting that you have looked at it. Every day , the other person will look at the calendar and, if you've made your mark, will pay you a small agreed-upon amount of money. The amount could be 25 cents, a dollar, or ten dollars depending on your budget. It should be large enough to have some meaning but not so large as to be burdensome to either of you. Use whatever tools you can to "win" this game, including leaving notes to yourself on your pillow, by your toothbrush, etc or setting your cell phone to ring an alarm every night at 9 PM to remind you to check the calendar.
If the other person finds that you haven't made your mark on a particular day, they will politely ask you for payment, and you will politely make it - no comments, no discussion.
Hopefully the other person is someone who is invested enough in your being successful with the calendar that he or she will be willing to pay for your being successful at it, at least for a while until it becomes a habit, when you can stop the game.
PS Keep it light. If this game leads to arguments, it's best to stop playing it.
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You've made this same mistake dozens of times. Why can't you just get it right!
It is important for the
non-ADD person to recognize and accept the fact that ADD is a biological
dysfunction of the brain, not the result of laziness or a moral failing. Although normal
in other ways, people with ADD may have problems with attention, self-control
(impulsivity, impatience, etc), perseverance, and/or memory. The other person
may assume that the person with ADD doesn’t care or is not motivated when in
fact he may feel quite badly, anxious, and depressed that he does not
remember things and does not complete things. If the other person can view
the ADD person’s difficulties as a kind of disability that can benefit from
assistance, compensations, accommodations, etc rather than blaming the
person with ADD, it can help the person with ADD and can improve the
relationship.
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A scheduling tip for getting there on time.
When writing a 2 PM appointment in your appointment book or calendar, write "leave home at 1:15", not "appointment at 2:00 PM"
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I would have been on time, but something unexpected came up that delayed me.
How to get ready for and be at appointments on time:
1. Decide long beforehand whether you really want to do what you're considering doing. If you are certain you want to do it, make a commitment to yourself that you will do whatever is necessary to be prepared to do it, do it well, and to do it on time. Otherwise, don't bother with the rest of tasks listed below since they probably won't work. If you want to make the commitment, then try fairly rigidly to do all the tasks .
2. Write down on the date of the appointment in your calendar (if you don't have a big calendar, get one) including who the appointment is with, exactly the time its scheduled for, the address, and what time you will have to leave wherever you will be to get there on time. Double check the address before writing it in the appointment book if the appointment might conceivably be held at a different location. At that time (not later), firmly establish and write down all the details of the appointment including the route you will take, who will go with you, what will you bring with you, what you might do on the way there or on the way back, when and how you will return. Think who might be affected by your going to this appointment (need a baby sitter, a dog sitter, whose car will you use, would your significant other want to know you won’t be around at the time of the appointment, are there others who might want to go with you, is there shopping you might want to do beforehand or afterwards, etc). Think who might be needed for your plans to work (friend, child, co-worker.) Believe it or not, most people who are on time do this kind of planning though they don't always have to write down all the details.
3. Have some reminder system set up that will remind you weeks or months (not days) beforehand to read and finalize your plans, especially if they involve others. Finalizing involves being sure when you will have to leave wherever you will be to get to the appointment on time, planning how and when you will arrange for your transportation. if necessary; if you are going by car, decide when you will check to see that you have enough gas so you won’t have to stop for gas on the way to the appointment. Make a reminder (cell phone, paper on refrigerator, etc) that you will see or hear a few weeks or days before the appointment that will refresh your memory to do the next step.
4. Depending on the complexity of the plan, weeks to days (no fewer than 3 days) beforehand, review your plans: the exact time you need to make preparations for leaving so you will have enough time to check the directions to the location, make sure you will have any phone numbers you need, that you will bring anything you need to bring with you, will have enough gas and/or money, etc. Think through whether there are any potential conflicts with regard to your plan. Set up a reminder system to alert you to the night before the appointment.
5. The night beforehand, commit yourself to the time you will start getting ready. Put out anything that you will need so you won't have to go searching for it at the last minute.
6. At "ready time" the next day, stop whatever else you are doing and start preparing to leave on time with everything you need.
7. Some time after the appointment, drop me a note (click here) and let me know what worked and what didn't work and why.
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It's dinner time. Barbara, having
prepared the meal and set the table (in this traditional household), calls
out to Dave, "dinner time". Dave, in the middle of some task,
says, "just a minute, hon". Five minutes later, Barbara calls
out, "hey, come on, dinner is getting cold". Dave says, I've
just got to finish this one thing." You probably know how this
story ends. It's not pretty.
Dave and Barbara have now worked out a better system. They sat down and agreed that Barbara will give Dave two dinner announcements: the first, ten minutes beforehand, to give him time to wind down what he is doing, and the second two minutes beforehand to actually stop what he is doing and set things up so he can restart most efficiently. Dave agreed that this always has taken long than he expected, so he will try to get to the dinner table long before the two minutes have passed. The system doesn't work perfectly all the time, but it is a great improvement and has made most dinners more enjoyable.
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You might try putting your dose of medication on
your bedside table along with a glass of water. Put two alarm clocks there
too. Set one for an hour before you usually get up. Set the
other one for your usual wake-up time. When the first alarm goes off, turn it
off, take your medication, and go back to sleep. When the second alarm
clock goes off, you should wake up more alert and ready for the day.
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I'm OK once I start doing something. My problem is getting started.
Imagine that the task you want to do is starting is a camp fire in the woods. You put some logs in the fire pit, light a match and hold it under a log. The match burns a few seconds and goes out. You light another. Same things happens. You walk away, unable to start a task. It is obvious why this didn't work. You didn't spend any time getting kindling, you didn't use pieces of paper and twigs, which would have easily started a fire, which would have then spread to the logs.
If you have ADD, many tasks can be like starting a fire, but in this case the fire you want to start is in your brain. You will need to take some time to slowly wake up (activate or recruit) sleepy or otherwise employed neurons. When you get enough of them working on your task, you can get started, and you'll blaze right through it. The best way to recruit the right neurons is to do as many things as you can that are related to the task at hand. For example, if you are writing a paper, read what you have written so far, make a few notes, think about the paper, look at a book on the topic, start writing a few phrases about the topic (which you can throw out later if you wish.) Just keep doing these minor tasks until the fire catches. Or if the task is to mow the lawn, walk to the lawn mower and just look at it, turn it upside down and examine the blades, get the extension cord, jiggle the controls of the lawnmower, do anything you can think of related to mowing the lawn - and do them again until suddenly (hopefully), your brain and the lawn mower will start buzzing.
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I have no trouble getting started. I need to get better staying focused once I start.
Distractions are one of the worst enemies of someone with ADD. People
with ADD too often lose their focus when something is going on around them,
or if they think of something more interesting than what they are working
on. The challenge then is to reduce distractions. Here are some
suggestions:
Try to eliminate all distractions before you start. Work in a
place where there is nobody around. If you are studying in a library,
go to the farthest corner of the deepest stacks where there are the least
interesting books. Don't take anything with you except what you need
to work on.
Wear headphones that play music (no lyrics) softly as you are doing your work (this blocks out other distracting sounds).
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Have some other coaching gems? Click here to let me know what they are.
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